Friday was a somber night.
The last year that we've spent at New City Church had been spent growing in grace and experiencing the goodness of God's love through the redemption of Christ's sacrifice of the cross. It has been a victorious year in our spiritual life as a family. We have been encouraged and convicted. We have surrendered things and in that experienced freedom. We have sacrificed and experienced joy.
However, Friday night was... Different.
As we walked into church we were welcomed by two amazing pieces of art by Bruce Herman. The conception of Jesus, and His crucifixion. As we worshipped, together as a church we read though prayers and scriptures together... (seems normal right) But these were not victorious prayers. These were confession prayers.
"For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you have me to drink, I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me." - Matthew 25:42-43
It just didn't sit right with me. I love God. I'm not someone that would turn Him away. I've dedicated my whole life to Him. I've sacrificed for Him. I've given to His church. I've served in ministry. I pray for people. Even part of me said, "No! I'm not going to pray this prayer."
... But at the same time, almost as one fluent thought together, God set me in my place. I am that sinner. It is my fault Jesus is up on that cross. Any and everything good in me has nothing to do with who I am, but all to do with who He has made me!
I have been living in the victory of the cross and have forgotten my sinful nature that lead Jesus there. I know full well of the past He has saved me from, but it was a fresh and painful confession. . . I suck.
My husband said that night was like wave after wave of God cleansing us and taking away our guilt. He did not yet know what God was speaking to my heart.
Good Friday takes on a whole new view when you sit down and pray, "God, this is my fault." The phrase in my heart was "I need to fess up!!" It's not that I had some habitual sin or something specifically that I was struggling with. On the contrary, as I first mentioned... It has been a year of growth. But the reality of the cross... The severity of my debt... The Holiness required to commune with God... The lack of ability I have to make myself pure... The magnitude of grace... It all came flooding in.
I was thinking about how that night must have been for the disciples. They had left their careers, their homes, their families, all to follow Jesus. He had done amazing things in the three years they had spent together. They were already planning out their futures in ministry. Things were looking up and up for Jesus' kingdom. Then all at once it came crashing down.
I'm sure they didn't have their Leader's death noted in their 5 year plan. Where do you go from there!?! I'm sure the conversations with Jesus they had before this probably popped in their heads. They were probably trying to piece it all together. But realistically, I think they were all hopeless. They were lost and confused. Check out Luke 24. They were PERPLEXED when they didn't find the body. When the women returned to tell them Jesus wasn't there they "considered their words as nonsense," and after Peter even went to check out the tomb himself, he "wondered what had happened."
The night He had died, they really didn't know what was to come next. The Messiah, whom they had waited centuries for, had just been murdered.
Maybe they were doubting everything they had invested the last three years into. Maybe they were thinking this was an elaborate hoax, or that Jesus was just a liar with a bunch of magic trip up His sleeve.
Especially today, I am so thankful I live on this side of the resurrection!!! It must have been a LONG three days for His students. Today we can REJOICE in His victory!!! Friday, we somberly remembered and worshipped Jesus for the price He paid for us. Our debt. Our lashes. Our cross. We 'fess up that it is our fault, and today we celebrate with the victory of Christ.
Jesus, Thank You. That should always be the first words from our lips. You did this for me. I am an ugly, evil, heartless person without You. Now I can have grace, patience, hope, and mercy for the world around me, knowing that I am not better that anyone else and that You chose to save me. I 'fess up to You that it doesn't matter how big or small of a wrong I've committed, one was enough to banish me from Heaven and for You to pay my price on the cross. May my heart be daily reminded of Your sacrifice for me.
Sincerely,
Jen
If you would like to check out Bruce Herman's amazing work, you can do so here:
And it is also on display at New City for this coming First Friday Free event. Details are here. http://newcityphx.com/
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